made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
