dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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