You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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