no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
