I wish I could punch you in the face.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
