apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
