Already got asked if we're dating
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
