Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
