Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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