umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
