I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
