I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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