Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Welp...herpes.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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