I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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