I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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