so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
