filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
