i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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