This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
