The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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