I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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