If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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