Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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