My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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