My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
