My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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