There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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