Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
