trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize