I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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