How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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