Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
