"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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