I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
