I will die if light touches me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
