I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize