so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
