where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
