it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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