You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
