Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
