yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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