Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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