Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
