I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
