they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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