her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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