im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
