I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
