I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
