He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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