I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
