non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
