worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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