Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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