remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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