Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
