puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize