Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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