i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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