His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
